Avoiding festive tears

By Sarah Simmons

December 2008

A few years back I can remember dating Joe, a true text book – tall, dark and handsome – the whole package. We’d been together a few of months and it seemed to be going well. The festive season was right around the corner and this time there was just no getting away from the dreadful task ahead…we were going to have to buy each other Christmas presents.

This was a first for me. I’d managed, up until that point, to avoid this dilemma. Joe however, seemed to know exactly what he was doing. He was adamant he had it in the bag. While I flustered for weeks over what I should get him, he proudly declared after a few hours shopping that he’d already purchased my present. He said I’d love it. He said it was great. He said that all his mates thought it was brilliant. Some, he said, even went out and bought exactly the same for their girlfriends.

Gulp. This sounded good. How could I match this? Surely he didn’t go all out and buy something expensive? We’d only been together a couple of months and I was pretty sure it wasn’t love. Or maybe he thought it was? Perhaps this man was ready to show me the next phase of our relationship? Panic ensued. I knew I had to find a good present. Good enough to keep him interested and tell him I care. Good enough so I didn’t look stupid after receiving the crown jewels - while he got a pair of socks.

Christmas Day eventually rolled around and we gathered around the tree. After weeks of consultations with girlfriends, guyfriends and parents even - my present to him consisted of Cartier cufflinks and a hand made card. I knew it couldn’t be as good as his present. No way. But I felt it ticked the right boxes: classy, thoughtful and reasonably expensive without going over the top.

After thanking me for my present, he eagerly brought out my gift. The shabby wrapping should have given me my first warning, but fond memories of my father’s cack-handed gift wrapping meant I overlooked the detail - this time. Joe’s confidence in his ‘piece de resistance’ left me no doubt it was good. Carefully and proudly, he handed me my present. His eyes fixed on mine. “Happy Christmas darling,” he said with a satisfied smile.

Nervously, I carefully opened the package in front of me, peeked inside and saw a flash of white material. Could it be a Prada blouse? A Calvin Klein dress? Or perhaps some expensive Agent Provocateur negligee? I couldn’t take the suspense any longer. I ripped off the wrapping, and triumphantly pulled the item out. There I held up for all to see, my wonderful, thoughtful, classy boyfriend had bought me… a Mr Men “Little Miss Naughty” night dress.

I clearly haven’t recovered from my shock and needless to say Joe and I didn’t make it. It wasn’t just that he’d bought me a five-year-old’s night dress, or the disturbing fact he thought a Mr Men character was sexy, it wasn’t even the fact that he’d spent more money on his breakfast than on my Christmas present. No, it was the simple fact that this man had no clue about women, none whatsoever.

Perhaps now a few years later, as the men I date mature, the gifts would be as equally mature? Well, Christmas and birthday presents over the years have included fluffy animals, a toaster, and a food processor to name a few. C’mon guys, what’s wrong with you? It’s not that difficult.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women who love fluffy animals (my grandmother for one) and some who would love a darn good food processor (Martha Stewart, Delia Smith and again, my grandmother for example), but whether it be for Eid, Christmas or a birthday, most of us don’t want something we need. We want something we want.

So lads, in order to ensure you get more loving and less leering from your new found lady friend this holiday season, here are some handy tips to consider.

Should your lady prefer the finer things in life, perhaps some fine wine, champagne and likes to dress well, then consider an expensive perfume. Please note here you must buy longer lasting and highly concentrated Eau du Parfum and not Eau du Toilette. Chanel is always a good bet, everyone knows it’s expensive and even if she doesn’t like the smell, she’ll know you’ve coughed up enough cash. Alternatively, you can go to Penhalligan’s and have a fragrance exclusively made, just for her. Under no circumstances must you consider a teen-focused fragrance such as Britney’s or J-Lo’s. In addition, Tiffany has a good range of reasonably affordable but classy jewellery - like Bvlgari. A Tiffany key ring will only cost a few hundred dirhams, and Tiffany champagne glasses are quite impressive too. If you want to go all out, a pair of Jimmy Choos in any colour will never fail to impress, but make sure you get the size right.

Should your girl be more the sporty type, perhaps wears heels occasionally but on the whole is quite laid back - then she’d probably appreciate two tickets to a comedy festival, a windsurfing day out for the two, or a romantic dinner on a Dhow or Yacht. She might appreciate a day biking in the mountains – make sure you bring a well presented picnic. If you’re feeling generous, contact a prolific seamstress and have a ski outfit hand-made.

Should your lady like to travel or prefer spending time with her nose in a good book you should consider perhaps a first edition novel. EBay is great for this. Alternatively, a signed autobiography of her favourite artist, or a role model would be equally impressive. Tickets to an opera, or the theatre are nice too. If you want to go all out here, think about an original image or painting that reminds you of her or a special time you spent together.

Regardless of how long you have been together, if you truly want to sweep her off her feet, then buy a couple of plane tickets. These days you can purchase tickets relatively cheaply and living in the Middle East means you’re not far from destinations such as the Maldives, Jordan, Alexandria or Kathmandu.
If you must buy underwear, then stick only to the best brands: namely Agent Provocateur or Victoria’s Secret.

A few golden rules about what not to buy: unless you have been given the size, colour and shop by your lady friend (and preferably she has left it behind the counter with a big neon sign saying “this one”!) or you’re brother is Ralph Lauren or cousin to Dolce, please, please refrain from buying your lady clothes. Do not buy her alcohol (unless she adamantly requests it or collects expensive vintages), make-up (fellas, there is an art to this) and do not recycle your sister’s unwanted presents from last year.

Above all, remember the best things at Christmas don’t cost anything. Does she have an old tatty photograph lying around? If so, frame it or if you’re handy with an easel, sketch or paint it. Is she away from her family? Arrange for a call with them all using the web camera. Enjoy a good laugh? Write a funny message and leave it on the fridge door or slip on a frilly apron and cook breakfast.

And gents, no matter what you do, always write a thoughtful card. Words cost nothing and if done well, it will without a doubt, be the best present she gets this holiday season.