How to Sock it to them

By Yvette Vuaran

November 2008

When I look a man over, I check out his eyes first to make sure they are clean and healthy because when shopping for fish, choose only those fish with clear eyes. Cloudy eyes are also indicators of loss of freshness) and then his teeth (make sure there are no vampirish associations). His shoulders are important (can he carry me?), his hands (need to be soft and gentle) and after all this, I zone in on his socks (the real style indicator).

Call me weird but I have a fascination with men’s socks and particularly their colour. They tell me so many things. Fine monochrome socks, for instance, are not for the faint hearted. But staple black/brown and grey socks that you find on most men can be a bore.

Red says that you have a zany sense of humour and maybe a little off beat (note: great with khaki pants). Maroon socks are usually left to the old British men who like to mix’n’match. Orange says that you live on the wild side (think Samuel L Jackson from the movie Unbreakable).
Yellow says that you are rock and roll (Mick Jagger’s favourite coloured socks). And white, well perhaps you are like too many other Americans. David Letterman may be to blame for this style disaster. He’s still wearing white socks with black shoes! Not to mention the craze Kramer (Seinfeld) set with his long white socks and bowling shoes.

Boys, when you sit down in full view, your pants are going to rise a little, or a lot depending on their style. A sneaky peek of your socks can make a statement. If you are caught with an odd pair or socks that are visibly worn inside out you may be superstitious, forgetful or lazy. I feel for those who own a hungry washing machine with an appetite for odd socks. Perhaps it’s time to invest in a new one.

Some devastating sock looks I have encountered over the years are socks worn with sandals and thongs. A big no-no. Only those who belong to retirement villages, academic conventions and German tourists can be excused. Sadly, I have also seen the more recent, five-toe socks. Please only for the toe dexterous and unusually hairy men.

If you like to go commando with your shoes remember that you probably have a serious foot odour problem and should immediately proceed to the nearest exit. Leave the no-socks rule to hardcore Magnum PI fans, those who own yachts (and can afford to buy new shoes for every day of the year) or those who have shares in Dr. Scholl products.

Striped and patterned/argyle socks are for the super stylish. The stripes should be in more than one colour. Brightly-striped socks are Robbie William’s signature look but you don’t have to be so loud. Try stripes that are in softer, more neutral colours. Paul Smith and Duchamp are clear leaders in this category.

For some women it’s shoes, but for me it’s socks. I want to know that I can wear his oversized socks around the house and feel comfy and safe. It’s like the ultimate cocoon for the feet and feet are terribly important things. If you have ever experienced a Thai foot massage or sensual kisses on the feet, you will know what I am talking about. I also want to know that I can take his socks off after a hard day at work and not pass out from the style, or the smell.

My practice of Sockology all started with those cute little booties mum knitted for me when I was a baby (note: must call mother to make two pairs for my dog who suffers from the schizo-white-dog-chewing-paw syndrome). I learned to crawl in them and be creative in them (remember the sock puppets with wobbly eyes and felt red lips?). Then came my school socks I was so fond of. I recall that if you’re a good boy or girl you would be found with them pulled up to your armpits. I was one of these (my rebellious nature was relatively late blooming. I was known as miss-goody-two-shoes, always reliable and responsible).

Like many others, my socks were a testament of my good nature and pride in appearance. No matter how crazy the day was, they would still be held high above my knee (in place due to elastic bands my parents secured and hid through the neat fold at the top. Did I mention my parents were nerds?). By now, my naughty colleagues would have them swimming ‘round their ankles, or completely off so they wouldn’t ruin their “skipping class” tan.

When you become an adult, socks are the male equivalent of pantyhose or sexy lingerie. A man in socks and underpants still does not quite have the impact of a woman in her knickers and stockings (although Oscar De La Hoya looks mighty fine in them). I tell you one thing, when I look at a man’s socks, I can tell what colour underwear he is wearing, whether he is good in bed and whether he will tip the waitress.

A good sock is a bit outrageous. In the past they were left to men who were a little on the feminine side, but now they have become mainstream due to the metrosexual revolution. If you are wearing a suit all day it doesn’t hurt to show some personality in your socks, ties and shirts. You might just find that you have lived a little. Check out socks by: Dore Dore, Burlington, Ted Baker and K J Beckett.

Dress socks should be silk, woolen socks should be worn in cold climates and cotton socks are for daily use or when exercising. If you are in need of sports socks, plan ahead and drop into a sportswear store. There is nothing worse than a man with really stinky feet and no matter how clean your socks are they won’t fix the problem. You can avoid making diabolical odours by banishing nylon socks altogether.

There is a big debate on whether ankle socks are cool, or gay when wearing shorts, I think they are better than Jake Gyllenhaal’s recent dooby wearing longer beige, ribbed socks with his tennis shoes. Who told him long, ribbed socks were in anyway? In general, wear clean, white, normal-length socks with shorts and sneakers.
Did you know that about half a cup, to a cup of our bodily fluids get excreted through our feet per day? Why do you think the Japanese are so crazy about toxin elimination pads for the feet! In their culture, it is polite to take your shoes off before you enter their house. The foot pads are said to aid in detoxing the body. I have tested these out and they do make your feet feel lighter the next day.

On my travels I have seen some interesting interpretations of how to wear socks. In the annual Zurich street parade they like to cover their genitalia in a light, transparent sock sometimes strapped with rope around the body. The base adorned with glittery things (classy). This is not your best look boys and I think it’s taking the “Christmas sock” a little too far. Nor is stuffing your underpants with socks (unless you’re a member of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers), it’s just as bad as getting hot and heavy with chicken fillets or folded tissues. Boys, it’s the motion in the ocean. Got it?

Talking of travels, I have serious problems with the behaviour of people in confined areas - particularly planes. I don’t know if it’s the lack of air pressure, or sitting in a seat for an abnormal period of time, but man! Honestly, if it weren’t for xanax, I’m sure there would be some crazy white lady scenes with some passengers. I guess the smelly sock problem is second on the list of problem odours in planes…or is it third? One way to avoid the smelly sock saga on planes is to wear a fresh pair on the flight. And, please, always remember to place shoes back on when going to the toilet to prevent soaking up any other unnecessary fluids.

Gentlemen, as a golden rule, there are three things a lady will remember when it comes time to, you know, after that romantic evening and wind-down with a glass of chilled Louis Roederer at your crib – your underwear, socks and one other thing that I’m sure I don’t have to mention.