Do you have a problem?

By Alexander Lindsay

Life is full of problems. Some are trivial, like working out which chocolate in the box to eat first. Others can be as forbidding as trying to walk up Mount Everest with a Yeti strapped to your back.

Nevertheless, not a day goes by without some niggle popping up to bump up our blood pressure and bring us just that bit closer to meeting our maker. There’s no sure way of escaping the problem trap, although Josef Stalin claimed to have the solution.

“Death solves all problems – no man, no problem,” he was heard to remark. But he would say that, wouldn’t he? It’s easy when you have absolute power, unlimited access to death squads and the odd gulag or two.

However, we lesser mortals have to be more circumspect about the matter. Bumping off anyone who upsets your day is frowned upon in polite society nowadays. Sometimes even the simplest of problems takes on grandiose proportions. I went into a café the other day to be greeted by a sign reading:

Tea and coffee not available owing to technical reasons.

Surely a sign saying simply, “Sorry, no tea or coffee today” would have done the job, instead of leaving us all worrying about what the mysterious technical reasons could be.

Technical reasons is for when your plane doesn’t take off or arrive, not for when the hot chocolate machine blows a fuse. It’s the sort of vague phraseology so beloved of airlines, who will euphemistically refer to a major crash as “unplanned contact with the ground.” “Technical reasons” is also for when you’ve got something to hide, and you hope the customer will be too bamboozled or busy enough not to demand a more specific reason.

Wouldn’t it be great if you had the gift to read their minds, like the cop in the TV drama series Heroes?

So they’re saying: “We regret the delay which is due to technical reasons…” But in reality you’re hearing them think: That big bit fell off the engine again. It’s always happening. Frankly, you wouldn’t get me up in that for a pension and a big clock…
Another airline favourite is the package holiday flight, when you are hot, sticky and tired, hanging around for hours in some ill-equipped island airport with insufficient seating and an asthmatic AC system, and people sleeping on the floor, only to be told over the PA: “We regret the delay, which was due to the late arrival of the incoming aircraft.”

Oh, that’s all right then, it was the late arrival of their incoming aircraft. Everybody relax, everything’s hunky-dory. The late arrival of the incoming aircraft, well, you can’t blame them for that, can you? But does anybody ever pause to ask:

“Why is the incoming aircraft always late?” Not that it matters. Even if you did ask, you could be sure of the answer in advance: “Technical reasons, Sir, technical reasons…”

If there is anything worse than a problem, then it has to be no problem at all. “No problem,” that catch phrase so beloved of waiters and sales assistants the world over, has taken over from the dreaded “have a nice day” as the most annoying of the meaningless rejoinders to every simple transaction.

So I’m in the fishing tackle shop making a simple request to the sales assistant…

I’d like some fishing tackle, please.
No problem, Sir.

Why should there be?
Why should there be what, Sir?

A problem.
There isn’t a problem, Sir.

Then why bring it up?
I didn’t, Sir

Yes you did, you said “no problem”
Exactly, Sir, there isn’t a problem.

Yes, but by introducing the subject you open up the possibility that there might have been a problem.
There is no problem, Sir.

What are you trying to hide?
I’m hiding nothing, Sir, I simply meant that there would be no problem in selling you fishing tackle.

This is a fishing tackle shop isn’t it?
Yes, Sir.

Then what problem could I possibly face in buying fishing tackle here?
None, Sir, that’s what I was trying to tell you – there’s no problem.

I think this is where we came in, isn’t it?

If, by some weird trick of fate, there did turn out to be a problem in such simple transactions, what could it conceivably be? So you’re in the donut shop ordering donuts. Now what could possibly go wrong...?

Two donuts, please.
“Sorry, sir, there’s a problem. We were just dishing out the donuts when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came riding through the kitchen, hooked all the donuts on their lances and carried them off to Armageddon. They were nice Bavarian cream ones, too. But that’s life in the donut trade for you. It’s a funny old business.
Or you’re in a café and you ask…

One latte, one cappuccino, please.

“Sorry, folks, big problems. Old Pedro forgot his glasses when he went up the mountain to pick his coffee beans. A thick mist set in – you know how quickly the fog can come down in the Peruvian Andes – so he was totally blind. Anyway, he staggered into a crevasse, breaking both his legs and spilling his basket of beans. He’s confined to bed for six weeks, and his wife, Juanita, can’t work either because she’s pregnant again. Anyway…we’ve got no coffee beans.”

Some trivial problems can be blown out of all proportion when passion is involved. Take that vast army of worldwide Beatles fans, for instance. They are raising the roof with howls of indignation because a well-loved Beatles song has been used in an American TV commercial. Not just any TV commercial – this one turns out of be an ad for diapers. Not just any Beatles song either – this one is All You Need Is Love, which was adopted as a peace anthem during the Vietnam war. A dirty trick if ever there was one, bemoan the Beatles fans. These nappy ads have resulted in a rash of complaints from the four corners of the earth.

The makers of the nappies, called Luvs, couldn’t resist the play on words for their ad. They bought the rights to the song from Sony/ATV Music Publishing which now owns the Beatles catalogue. Neither Sir Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, nor the widows of John Lennon and George Harrison have any say in how the songs are used nowadays.

The ad features a baby wearing an “ultimate leak protection” disposable diaper jumping on a teddy bear while a Beatles sound-alike band sings “All you need is Luvs.” One fan observed that if John Lennon had been alive today he would have been against disposable nappies anyway as an environmental issue.

Andy Bonnell, a fan from the Beatles home city of Liverpool fumed: “I just cannot see a Beatles song being used for trivial things.”

And Angela Natividad, co-editor of adrants.com, which monitors ad campaigns, said: “For people who feel the political connection with Vietnam, it comes off as kind of a callous action. The Beatles draw religious feelings.”

A storm in a teacup? A big stink over nothing? Problems, it seems are all relative to where you are standing.
Anyway, y’all try to have a nice problem-free day now, y’hear.